Gaining Wisdom: Lent (part four)
I’m learning a lot during this season, both about God and myself. For that I’m extremely grateful.
And I’m also quite sore, frankly. It’s been hard to keep posting these Lent posts, but I’m trying to provide an authentic narrative of my experience in participation of Christ’s death. This has proven to be a trying time. But, I’m confident that by sharing in our sufferings we can encourage one another.
As I mentioned a while back, when God peels away the layers that cloud our vision of him it’s painful. These layers run deep in my life, and specifically, I think God is peeling away one in particular: appearance.
I simply care about what others think.
I have insecurities just like everyone else. I often struggle with the thought that I’m never taken seriously, mainly because I’m requested to say something funny by others, forcing me (in my mind) to go into performance-mode. But, my go-to compensatory move when insecure is to always bring humor to the situation. So, this plays right into an already bad hand. I am quick-witted and sarcastic. I used to think this was possibly a spiritual gift…turns out it’s not. Any time I’m out and go into this mode, whether for the entertainment of others or insecure compensation, I return home depressed. It’s a vicious cycle that runs me into the ground mentally and emotionally.
But why am I such a slave to this? Why do I care so much about what others think of me? I know that my identity is in Christ and not other people.
Or do I?
I am petitioning to God that he would reveal this issue in my life completely. That he would help me overcome the performance. Besides, it’s not a performance he’s after from me — it’s relationship. This is a core issue for me, and I am grateful that he’s showing me that. Again, when the layers are pulled back it’s painful. But, what I hope comes from this will be cause for celebration. I’m trying to start doing that now.
For I know Sunday’s coming.
What are you learning about God and yourself during this season? How can I pray for you?
Joshua, this is honest & raw – and I appreciate you being yourself here. You remind me of how important it is to let myself be vulnerable. Ridiculous how easy it is to slip into the “performances” we’re each so good at.
Ridiculous, indeed…
I appreciate you, my friend. Thanks for the encouragement.
This is going to sound so cliche but I recently heard it asked “If we really believed that what we believed was really real” what changes? My instant response was yep, pretty confident that Jesus is who he says he is. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized how small my faith actually is–because if, in my core, I really knew that Jesus loved and loves me in my mess, that nothing else matters, that he is faithful and true…then why do I persist in the madness? Why do my fears and insecurities and needs get displaced as they do? I have been dwelling in this cliche now for the past week and am realizing that my insecurities are more often wrapped up in my doubt of God’s love. Which is hard, and yet, promising.
Because his love covers it~
Mel- good point. I agree that my insecurities speak to the fact that most times Jesus isn’t enough for me, plain and simple. I’m so tired of being tired from trying to impress people. IF I even succeeded in that, what would I gain? Something fleeting for sure. I heard it said recently that sometimes we only view Jesus as Savior only and not King. Jesus the Savior is wonderful, and it says so much. But is he King to me? Is he just a rescuer and not the ruler of my life? These are some of the questions I’m trying to ask myself during this time, and it is both hard and promising, as you said. Thanks for your comment…I’ll be pondering that all day for sure.
You rock.
I’m praying for you, buddy.
I’m at a sort of ‘bump’ in my own Lenten journey — no downfalls, but just that part where one stupidly feels alone and a little bitter.
But anyway, I’m following up to say that I’m deep into Donald Miller’s GREATEST HITS, the 3-books-in-one collection, and massive thanks to you for leading me to his writing. It has been immensely inspiring during this Lenten season.
Have a good one, and know that I’ve got your back with prayers.
cheers,
John
Thanks for the comment, John…and thanks so much for the prayers.
I appreciate you sharing some of your journey through this season in some of your comments. It’s refreshing when that happens. Not just on blogs, but in general, y’know? So so glad that you’re getting into Miller’s writing. I had a good feeling about that.
Praying for you as well, sir.